A Different Kind of Addict

I have a confession to make:  I’m a bit of a news-story masochist.

This isn’t really, well, news to me.  I’ve always been interested in subjects like true crime, the occult and the macabre.  But as I was scrolling through my news feed the other day, this glaring truth about my interests came to light once more – and I actually found myself a little concerned by it. 

Every morning, while drinking my much-needed cup of coffee, I open my news apps and almost exclusively click on articles relating to crime.  Murder, sexual abuse, human trafficking, or even the latest celebrity DUI – all content that I actively choose to consume on a regular basis.

Now, it would be wrong of me not to assume that my interest in these subjects is, in some way, influenced by world affairs.  The Epstein files, for instance, are a trove for junkies like me.  The more that’s released, the more disbelieving I become.  The more that I read, the more I want to scream at the powers-that-be about accountability, because how in the world did we let this happen?

But, also…the more I read, the more I want.

All of this content does have a negative effect on me, and I would even go so far as to say my addiction to these stories has a negative effect on my friends and family.  These news stories impact my mood tremendously, which in turn influences the way I interact (or don’t interact) with other people.  It is literally how I start my day, every day.  And yet, I can’t seem to stop.

So how does an addict like me become ‘sober’?  Because being uninformed feels irresponsible.  That willful ignorance practically reeks of entitlement, and we’re all quick to judge those who have the luxury of not knowing much about the latest war or genocide.  But I also don’t want to be in a constant state of anxiety or depression over events that are beyond my control. 

And yes, I am aware of the phenomenon called ‘clickbaiting.’  I am aware of the impact that tabloid exposés have with titles such as, "Hyper-woke teacher preyed on her students for years.”  But even with genuine news outlets, I often find myself spiraling – especially given how quickly content is generated and shared across the world. 

As long as humans continue to hurt each other, there will always be sensational news stories about tragedy and suffering.  And as long as those news stories are shared, there will always be people like me: masochists who derive pleasure, whether knowingly or not, from stories that also cause them emotional pain.  To mitigate this, we can pray for an answer, or send ‘good vibes’ out to those who are suffering, and maybe that will make us feel a teensy bit better about ourselves.  But realistically, none of this will help.

I don’t know if there is a solution to this paradox.  I’ve heard opinions from both sides, and everyone has some advice to share on the subject.  But none of it leads to any kind of long-term recovery.  Heck, I don’t know if there even is a road to recovery here. 

But here is what I do know: at the end of the day, I get to hold my daughter in my arms, with a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, which is more than many people can say.  I have my health, and I have friends and family to lean on.

Perhaps the gratefulness I feel about this is the recovery I truly need.